In a recent leadership session, I shared this quote with a group of leaders:
When you carry everyone’s backpack, nobody gets stronger and you collapse sooner.
We talked about the way many of us are taught to be “good girls”, automatically focusing on the needs of others while pushing our own needs aside. And when you layer people leadership on top of all the other responsibilities that come with being the helpful one, there comes a point when you get fed up being the martyr.
And that’s exactly when it’s time to do something about it.
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The Problem: Everything is never done
A lot of us run on this old script: “I’ll look after myself once all my chores are done.”
But the problem is… everything is never done.
There’s always another email, another person needing something, another little fire to put out. So you end up at the bottom of your own list every single day.
The paradox is that the good leaders are the “responsible one’s” and they naturally see what needs to be done.
Do that long enough and you end up tired, resentful, weighed down, and feeling like you’ve disappeared from your own life.
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The Automatic Reactions
In our session, we talked about how much of our over-functioning happens without us even noticing.
One leader laughed as realised that moving she had automatically folded the kitchen laundry, topped up the photocopier, swept the walkway and watered the foyer plants – all before she started her actual work.
Not because others couldn’t / wouldn’t do it.
Just because her body had been trained to jump in and “sort things out.”
Another leader shared the huge stress she felt trying to decide whether to show up to the team Christmas party or stay home and rest a rest a painful back injury. She knew she would struggle to show up but the guilt of disappointing others and not showing up for her much loved team brought her to tears.
Her team would want her to take care of herself, but the “good girl” program makes us think we’re letting everyone down when we’re just being human.
Here’s the thing about good leaders and good girls – we’re naturally the responsible ones. We can’t unsee what needs to be done or what might go wrong. And that’s actually our superpower. The trick is learning to see without automatically carrying.
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My 10 (cheeky) tips to drop the “Good Girl” and Lead
- Stop doing everyone’s little jobs
You’re helpful, not hired as the office housekeeper.
Little reminder: If you always pick it up, they’ll always drop it.
- Don’t jump in with the answer straight away
Give people a moment — they’re often smarter than they look under pressure.
Little reminder: When you answer too fast, you do the thinking for everyone.
- Let people figure things out
A tiny struggle is how confidence grows.
Little reminder: If you keep rescuing people, they stay beginners forever.
- Press pause before you react
Not every “urgent” thing is truly urgent.
Little reminder: A 10-second breath can save you from a 10-hour headache.
- Stop fixing everything yourself
Show them how once… then let them do it.
Little reminder: If you redo their work, you end up doing their job and yours.
- Delegate like you mean it
Be prepared, be clear and then step back.
Little reminder: Delegation only works when you let go.
- Leave space in conversations
A short silence is where people find their own answers.
Little reminder: If you fill every gap, they never speak.
- Make yourself part of the day
Eat. Breathe. Step outside. Go home on time.
Little reminder: You can’t pour from an empty human.
- Grow people, not your to-do list
Leadership is helping others get stronger.
Little reminder: Carrying everyone is not noble, it’s exhausting.
- You don’t need to prove anything
You’re allowed to lead without over-giving.
Little reminder: You’re already enough. You don’t have to earn your place by doing extra.
Your 2026 mantra:
Lead with kindness.
Lead with clarity.
Lead without carrying others’ backpacks.
About the Author:
Andrea Tunjic is a leadership coach with 25+ years’ experience helping businesses grow confident, capable people leaders. Her Essential Leadership Skills program is designed for everyday managers navigating the messy middle between doing and leading. Learn more at andreatunjic.com.au.
